Speed Boat Ride (by KT)

I'm in a boat that Kate is driving at 94mph, in a medium sized body of water.  I can see land on all sides, so it's not that big.  I yell, "what type of body of water is this?"  Kate replies, "It's the ocean!!!"  I am unsure about this, so she tells me to put my hand in the water and taste it.  I do, it is salty, and I'm now convinced we're speedboating around a tiny ocean.

--I'm on a plane, and and surprised to see that there's a band setting up in the front. The band consists of an older guy with an acoustic guitar, and two young women playing harp and a strange oriental instrument. They start playing a riff I recognize, and it turns out to be the song "Hate Paste" by Archers of Loaf. I stand up to video the performance with my phone, and I keep panning to the view out the window (to show that we're actually in the air during the concert). After the plane lands, I talk to the band, but April exits the plane without me and I have to gather up a bunch of our bags and other random luggage. In the process, I end up with the wrong flight itinerary, and I can't remember where I'm actually supposed to be flying to.

--I'm helping my mom move, but the moving truck has collapsed under the weight of a giant snowball. It's pouring rain, and all her stuff is in the street getting wet, so we have to gather as much as we can and bring it in fast. In the process, some crazy big insects get into the house. One of them is a bulbous pink caterpillar with four or five round segments the size of tennis balls. It has huge green eyes on stalks, and a strangely human mouth. I stare at it for a long time trying to figure out what to do, because I'm somewhat terrified of it. I decide to pick it up with a towel and take it outside. But while I'm getting up the nerve to pick it up, it somehow takes the towel from me and puts it over its head like a bonnet, in an attempt to look "cute."

Two I remember

I was in college. One of my roommates, a skinny guy with shaved hair and thick eyebrows, was making porn while I was trying to sleep. I told them to stop. He threatened to kill me. I ran to campus police, but they couldn't do anything. Then he posted a bunch of embarrassing personal information about me on his porn site. I grabbed a wooden trunk with the rest of my personal information and ran away.

-------

I was in some sort of club, but instead of playing music or having live bands, they just played a bunch of mashed up video clips off old RCA Videodiscs. (I remember they played Prince's "1999," but not all the clips were music. Some of them were just movie trailers.) Some guy invited me upstairs, along with a couple of friends. It turns out he was interviewing us to potentially provide new videos for them. As a hiring bonus, he let us pick through a warehouse full of old videotapes and videodiscs. I asked a bunch of other pickers if they had seen a copy of Star 80. Shortly after I left, the place got busted by copyright police. I had no way to get home, so I just started wandering around alleys.

Bagels

I'm buying bagels at Wegmans. There's a new kind of bagel called the less-than-50-cents bagel, and it's hollow. It looks like a deflated tire or something. Caitlin is working there, and she recommends the cheesecake bagel, which apparently is vegan!

Arthur's Bar

Arthur owns a bar. Inside is a broken Coke machine -- the plastic on the side of the machine has a big ragged hole in it. Arthur can play the vending machine like an instrument by hitting various spots on the side near the hole. He begins to play "Gold" by Robert Pollard, and a crowd gathers to watch. I notice that suddenly the atmosphere in the bar has improved considerably, and business seems to have picked up. I think that Arthur has probably saved his bar.

Now, outside there's this big birdlike creature made out of popsicle sticks. It swoops down onto a white van and plasters the outside of the van with popsicle sticks, so that the van looks like it's made out of them.

(I uploaded the song Arthur played to YouTube, since it wasn't up there already. He mostly just played the opening riff in the dream.)

I went back to my hometown of North East, PA to recruit a new band for Awkwardcore. It was this guy Steve who was a year or two younger than me during middle school. For some reason, he's still in middle school. Steve's girlfriend is also in the band. I go to my old school to sit in on one of their classes, where they play a cassette of their songs. They sound like Beat Happening. But then they take me to a weird church service in an abandoned building by the railroad tracks, and I get kinda uneasy about them.

REPLICA OF DREAM OBJECT

The video box from this entry. Now just imagine this image as a really worn-out cardboard box that is useless and has to be kept in a bag, and you’ll pretty much see what I saw in my dream.

"woof!"

My memory of this dream is in tatters, but here goes:

I'm out in a snowy field at night, and I'm about to witness the phenomenon of ball lightning. There's a crowd of scientists observing. A hush falls over the crowd as a bright point of light rises from the ground, drifts up into the sky, and evaporates.

Now, I'm clinging to the outside of rocket that's being launched into space. It's inside a building, and I somehow have to scramble off of it before it exits the building. I do this multiple times, but somehow keep ending up on the rocket. I end up in space, and the rocket is going to re-enter the atmosphere, and I realize I'm going to burn up. But then something happens and I manage to land safely.

Now I'm in a garage, and outside is the same snowy landscape from earlier. I see a wolf out there, and make a note to myself to not open the door. So of course, since this is a dream, the wolf is now suddenly INSIDE the garage with me. I push a button that begins to raise the garage door, and I slip underneath it and close the door, trapping the wolf inside. But the wolf exits the garage anyway and starts running all around me. I have to try to intimidate it, so I start growling and yelling at it, all while avoiding eye contact. Also, I know I can't run or it will chase me (apparently I know how to survive a wolf attack in my dreams). I make my way slowly to a house (looks like Kristine's house) and enter safely.

THE END

Pool Clean-Up

I'm in an enormous pool with a bunch of other people, and we have to swim around and collect objects that are floating in it. Mostly, I just see forks and knives, suspended a foot or two below the surface. April swims by and gives me some tips -- she's collected significantly more silverware than I have.

Suddenly, some guy, and authority figure of some sort, walks over to the edge of the pool near where I am and yells at me about something (I can't remember what). I get out of the pool, and the guy walks away.

My friend Sarah (from grade school) comes by and is irate at the guy for yelling at me. To get him back, she dives into the pool (wearing a long dress that looks like it's made from a comforter), swims across it to where he is, climbs out, and gives him a big hug, soaking wet. Then she runs, and he begins to chase her. She runs to a door that looks like a fire exit, and pushes it open. It is suddenly revealed that the door leads to a live TV broadcast of a late night talk show. Sarah runs out onto the set, and the mean guy doesn't follow, because he doesn't want to be on TV.

Had a dream where it was 2012 and the world actually did end, but only for a split second. It was instantly replaced with another world. Anyone experiencing it would see an unnaturally bright flash outside, a terribly loud noise, and then before your brain could register it, it was over. There may have been some side effects, but I don't remember them. Douglas Adams would have been proud.

In a completely different dream, somewhere between our house and Sony's giant indoor theme park (non-existent), there was a hidden tunnel with shelves containing every toy Michael and I had ever owned as a child, but presented as new, complete in box. Plus a couple old packages of diapers, for some reason. The biggest thing was a giant fake tree which was used for photos with Santa. (Wouldn't that work more for the Easter Bunny?) Coming out at the Sony end, I felt like going on the King of the Hill ride. However, the vehicle for the ride was basically a giant stroller for two people (being manually pushed). I decided to let Mom and Michael take the vehicle, and I would walk behind. When I was told that part of the ride went over water, I became disappointed and wandered off. The last thing I remember was disrupting a giant 3-D screening of Snow White.

In a bit of fridge logic, I realized: if there was water, how could the tour guide walk?

Three scenes

1. For some reason, Michael and I were trapped in a mall. We hid inside a K-B Toy Store and slept. Then I was arrested. Not for trespassing, though. For some reason, I was impersonating the late Jane Russell, and this was a re-enactment of an incident that happened to her.

2. I was shopping at Frank Zappa's record store with some other people. However, he kept kicking me out. Apparently, as I was born in the 1980s, he considered me a hippie, and he hated hippies. This was particularly frustrating, as there was a Tubes record inside that I really wanted. The problem was eventually solved, possibly with hats.

3. The new Criterion titles were announced (that's happening today!). I hadn't heard of any of the movies, but they all sounded interesting. The only one I remember was a movie with a really long title, a trio of short stories about difficult cases for a group of film restorers. There was also a film or two from countries that no longer exist.

"dooF"

from my livejournal, dated may 22nd, 2002:


my dream last night: I was wandering through an incredibly large house. It had long hallways with windows all along the walls. I came to the end of the hallway, which was merely a small circular room that contained a rabbit. The rabbit shrieked "doof!" and began to sniff the walls frantically. It kept saying "doof" and I eventually caught on that since doof is food backwards, the rabbit was obviously searching for food. I followed it as it ran down a hallway in which it appeared an angry football coach and his team were also searching for this food. they were going into every room and trashing it. i was following the rabbit, and he lead me right to the correct room, which contained pizza, melon pieces, and a TV which was showing Man on the Moon. The end

Dream Pile-Up

I've got a little pile of dream notes to type up here, from two nights in a row of ripe dreaming.

Dream 1 - Stealing Olives on a Twig

KT and I are at a Wegmans in a mall and the building is very grand, of course, with tall, floor to ceiling glass windows that look out on the surrounding parking lots. We stop at an olive display, and he hands me a twig of olives, takes one for himself, and starts chomping away. I join in, because they look delicious. A worker in an apron approaches us and very curtly tells us we'll have to leave the store. I insist that we were intending on bringing the twigs to the check-outs and would gladly pay for the olives. She emphatically repeats herself and escorts us out. I'm mortified and KT is gleeful!

Dream 2 - Backseat Driver up Front

Shannon and I are in a car together, and I am driving. Though, this is a car where there are steering wheels, brakes and gas on both sides. She keeps trying to control the car by increasing the gas, and forcing the brake. This is frustrating the hell out of me, so I insist that we pull over and she drive. She is only happy to do so.

Dream 3 - Film Screening

KT and I are at a film screening of a documentary about a self-identified male transvestite (a really outdated term, by the way). He lives in Israel and is tried in a religious court for his supposed crimes against gender normativity. The title of the film is really stupid, I think it was, "A bad, bad man or a good, good transsexual?"

After the film, there is a discussion period and KT raises his hand. The moderator calls on him saying, "Yes, how does this relate to you, as a lesbian?" We get really pissed off, because the film was pretty awful, and everyone at the screening is very ignorant. I say something loudly about how people shouldn't assume how someone identifies. And then we storm out together.

Dream 4 - We can't be Friends

I am meeting up with an estranged friend at a coffee house. We had been sexually involved in the past, and then cut off ties altogether. I am currently with KT, and am only interested in a friendship or being polite acquaintances.

When he shows up, he gives me this whole spiel about how he is incapable of being friends with women. He says the only thing women are good for is sex, and he gives me an ultimatum. Either I kiss him, see if we still have chemistry, or get the hell out. I get the hell out, and don't even bother trying to argue with him about friendship across genders.

Dream 5 - Selling the House

KT and I are in our house, but of course, it looks vastly different in the dream.

The basement has high ceilings and a sewer-like feel. We are surveying what we have stored down here.

He tells me that he is selling the Ranch, and looking at other houses to buy. He had not told Lorien or Jim, and was just telling me, though he had already made contact with a realtor to get prospective buyers out to look at the place. I very huffily told him that this was why Shannon had left, because he was always changing things and making huge decisions without notice or consideration for the other housemates!

Dream 6 - Performance Artist for Hire

I am at a fancy soiree that some b-list actor is hosting, with the hopes of resurrecting his career (I wish I could remember who the actor was!). He has hired myself and some other women to do performance art at his party. I also don't remember what we did, just the feel the party--kinda warehouse, dirty, rave-type setting, black walls and minimal lighting. When it came time to pay the performers, he told us that the profits (somehow he was charging people admission) were only $50,000.00 so he'd only be able to give us $60.00 each. This was the rate he paid out to myself and two others, apparently because we were "unknowns."

Evil Bee (by Plasket)

Was at the doctor's office to get a check-up. When I was called in, I found that I was already there... From the future! And I had a bandage on my finger! The doctor was secretly going to give me a shot! I ran and hid in the hospital restaurant. Later, I was playing some kind of hide and seek game with some high school kids. I could play Paganini's first Caprice on piano and, somehow, 24-string guitar. Someone asked me the alternate title of a movie. I said it was Cocaine Something. Instantly, I was transported to some hospital for drug addicts. I found myself hanging out with heroin users and playing arcade games with them. Then I died. Luckily, this was all a vision I was having at the doctor's office. Apparently, an evil bee had stung me on my finger, and that made me want to hang out with heroin users. I was seeing the doctor to get the antidote.

I'm Morrissey, and I'm writing a rap song. I'm dictating it to a guy who's writing it down in cursive on a lined piece of notebook paper. Jay-Z is hanging around making suggestions, but his lines are way off the mark. I get stuck trying to work in the line "William, it was really nothing."

I was in Europe and I saw Yanni's house, which was a motel with a gift shop.

Later, someone asked me to help him play this Paul McCartney song that I wasn't familiar with. I was trying to follow along on guitar, but the song kept changing. The song was from a long lost solo album that he'd recorded while still in The Beatles.

Bad breath, vegan crumb cake

Snippets from last night's dream:
1. Kristine told me that I had bad breath, and I got REALLY mad at her for saying that.
2. Jen King made me a slice of vegan crumb cake

Pizza Task

I was attending what I assumed to be a college level studio course, though the surroundings indicated I might have been at a very nice high school. Nothing was ever accomplished in that class. Everyone just sat around and chatted, waiting for the professor to guide us, but the professor (a 30-40 year old man) just sat like a lump next to my peers staring off into the distance. A woman stopped by our classroom, and I was asked to leave the class to help with a small task. At first I was concerned I would miss something important, but then I remembered we never do anything, so I decided to go and help.

On the way out the door, one of my peers stopped me and showed me her "sculpture?" Her "sculpture" was several angled and toggled layers of cut styrofoam. Some of the layers had diagonal lines carved into the styrofoam, and there was a small red square cut into the middle. She was showing me that she had listened to suggestions I had given her, and I remember feeling weird that she was talking to me about it rather than the professor. I realized that I had become somewhat of a replacement teacher for our comatose professor. I reflected on that thought while the woman and I walked down a pillar-lined hallway and into a theater.

The theater was arranged in a strange way. The seats were facing forward in the same direction but the stage was small and towards the back and left of the seats. I didn't question the arrangement, rather I focused my task. The woman took me behind the last row of seats to a linen-dressed table lined with white and pink binders that alternated in color. The woman informed me that she needed me to lay the individual pages of the script on the floor, so people from the audience could come back and get them. I remember thinking that they should just take the binders rather than a single page from the script, but I did not voice my opinion, and began my task. The woman stripped the linen from the table, and arranged it neatly on the floor behind the table, so I could lay the pages out. The pages were in individual sleeve protectors, and the combination of slick plastic and fine linen made the pages slide slightly out of order.

The sloppy appearance of the script pages bothered me, so I decided to stay a little longer to arrange until everything met my standards. Meanwhile, the play was about to begin. A girl was sitting on stage in a rocking chair, and I could tell she was stalling a bit "probably a technical error or theater drama" I thought then the music began. She was singing but I realized that she was lip-syncing to a prerecorded tape of her voice. The quality of the singing was too perfect and everything sounded overproduced. "That makes sense" I thought to myself because that's the way it's done anymore. I realized that it would be hard to sing as loud as the actors would need to in order for everyone to hear them. At that point, I decided that the play had distracted me enough from my task, and I wanted to just finish up and head back to class.

I was probably too distracted by their misalignment to notice that my once script pages were now pizzas. I know the pizzas were homemade because of the variety of sizes and the imperfection of the circles. Some were covered in tinfoil and the others remained uncovered and exposed to the germs that might be on the floor. The pizzas were generally overloaded with toppings, and none of them look really appealing, but I returned to my task despite all of this. The pizzas were even harder to arrange because they were constantly sliding out of place and under the chairs in front of the linen. I discovered that creating two lines with pizzas snug against one another would hold them there, so I began to do this. I realized then that I had been grabbing pizzas haphazardly when they needed to be in a specific order, so people would know where their pizzas were. Since there was nothing I could do at that point, I continued on.

When I got to the middle of the line, several pizzas covered in foil kept slipping under the same chair. This chair was occupied by an older woman with chin-length gray hair and a square face. I sensed that I was probably bothering her, and my worry was confirmed when she suddenly spoke to me. "I'll take my pizza now please. It has brown on it." the woman said the way a privileged woman might ask a servant. "OK?" I responded in a slow and confused tone. Even though it was not my job to distribute them, I felt the need to try to help the woman out, so I asked "Could you be more specific?" Clearly annoyed and a bit anxious the woman gave a sudden but matter of fact response "I put an ibuprofen on it!"

It was at that moment that I noticed an Advil on the woman's shoulder, so I figured (given her age) she was simply confused, so I responded "Oh, ma'am, there's an Advil on your shoulder!" I figured she would understand that she was confused about leaving her pill on the pizza but she just gave me a look like I had just said something outrageously stupid. I plucked the pill from her shoulder to show her, but she was still insistent on finding her pizza. She began to leave the theater with her daughter to search for her pizza and asked that I follow. I was still convinced that she was simply very confused, and I began to question the existence of her pizza. I followed quickly behind and again tried to explain that the pill on her shoulder meant that there was no pill on the pizza, but the women kept walking as if they didn't hear me. We came to a hallway by a staircase, and the woman insisted I put down the pills, which had suddenly multiplied by three. I was worried about the kitties eating the pills, but I put them down anyway to appease the woman. It was then that the woman saw a small orphan boy at the top of the stairs. Seemingly forgetting about her pizza, she asked the boy if he knew where her specific brand of soap was. The boy began to respond but was quickly cut short by the woman. "You should use soap, you're filthy!" The boy was completely shocked but remained polite, "Well I would ma'am, if I could afford it," the boy responded abashedly. "It's not like I want to be dirty. I would buy soap, it's just so expensive!" The woman still focused on her search ignored the boy and continued on her way.

I continued to follow the obnoxious woman and her daughter to grand steps outside the theater. They were large stone steps one might see outside a monumental but we were still in a much larger building. The steps were filled with the actors and the other members of the audience all waiting for the woman and her daughter. Apparently the woman did not make a good impression on anyone, and I was surprised to see the angry faces of the crowd with pizzas loaded in hands and ready to fire. Before I could say anything, the pizzas were launched, and the woman and her daughter were drenched in tomato sauce. Everyone apologized to me for getting the stairs messy, but I was just happy justice was served!

Different type of college dream

Mom was taking forever to take me home from college. I was waiting and wandering around some awesome old buildings. Suddenly, a friend from college and high school shows up and asks me to help him with his film project. (He was not a film major.) I didn't do much and didn't even go back into the building until filming was almost over. That's when I discovered that the star of the film was Jack Rebney, the Winnebago Man.

Then it was night. The HUB looked like it should have been in Las Vegas.

Also, I lived with six roommates. One of them was Prince, who was good at poker.

Multi-Part Dream

I'm in a neighborhood with big fancy houses. I go up to the front door of a house, punch in some numbers on the keypad, and enter. It is not my house, but I think the residents are away on vacation. Walking quickly through the house, I immediately  head for the toilet -- I have to pee! Then I hear someone talking on the phone in a nearby room. It's the guy who lives here! I start to worry that when he sees me, he's going to be scared or angry. I contemplate sneaking out, but the thing is, I really have to pee. So I quietly use the toilet (note: luckily, I didn't actually go in real life) and then walk out into the hall. "Hello?" I say, non-threateningly. The guy comes out, and I explain the situation. Fortunately, he doesn't mind.

Next, I'm in Korea with April and KT. We're at an outdoor restaurant. KT is trying to introduce us to his friend, a young Korean woman, but she is off SCREAMING at a group people a few tables away. Finally she comes over to us and says "nice to meet you," and she seems really shy and distracted. She leaves, and then KT is like "That was weird."

April and I get on this rickety subway train and it starts zooming along. Most of the time it's above ground, and it's a bright sunny day. The landscape is mountainous, with lots of gray rocks. The whole time I'm staring at the rails in front of us, because I'm worried that the train is going to derail. There's graffiti on the sides of rocks -- it's the artist's credit card number.

Next, I'm watching a documentary about this weird sport; I don't remember many details, but it's sort of like basketball, except instead of throwing a ball through a hoop, you try to throw a heavy sack with a rope handle over a tree branch so that it somehow gets attached to the tree and the sack hangs down like a piece of fruit (it makes little to no sense, don't worry). Turns out the guy from the band Korn is a big fan. He's in the doc, then suddenly I'm standing in his back yard talking to him. His yard has a couple huge fruit trees, and I get distracted. One tree is covered with large yellow citrus fruits, the other tree has a couple red papayas. Another tree has a little treehouse in it, but there's a crazy dragon inside.

Touring with the Violent Femmes

In my dream, I had a memory from years ago of driving from Erie to Cleveland in the van with the Violent Femmes. Now the band had released a sped-up video of the exact route they took (so you can witness the drive in a matter of minutes rather than hours) and to celebrate they were playing a show in Cleveland, which I was attending. I was waiting outside the venue and a woman began to talk to me. I recognized her, but didn't realize until later that it was Georgia Hubley, the drummer from Yo La Tengo.

I never made it to the concert, and ended up in a Sears-like department store instead. April was there, and we were looking at shirts. I had an idea of buying a lot of t-shirts and opening my own shirt store, but I was soon discouraged because very few of the shirts appealed to me.

Then I was biking around "Cleveland" (although it looked a lot like Jamestown, NY) and I kept accidentally running red lights.

DAMMIT NOT AGAIN

High school time again!

In the first part, I was cramming all night for an English class I never went to. I might also have been doing an art project for that class. Then I thought: "wait a minute, didn't I already graduate?" I stopped immediately.

For some stupid reason, I still went to school. I had to present a film project. Of course, I didn't have it. While everybody else presented theirs, I went to the office and made sure that I graduated. Apparently, the woman working there was an environmentalist who got arrested. Somehow, I spontaneously made a film about her.

So I presented my film. I could clearly see the teacher write an F on my grade. When it was over, he said "You get an A... as in 'A bad movie.' F."

Back to the office. Talking to the same woman. She ascertained that I graduated, then promised to erase the bad grades that were coming. Then she made me pay her $150.

Mom drove me home and there were six police cars following us.

The Banana Guy

I'm watching scenes from a movie about a guy who's known for getting the best bananas. I guess he's a banana importer or something? The movie has a scene where he's at a high class fashion show, and there are huge banana displays on either side of the catwalk. Some other guy is trying to sabotage him by bringing in lower-quality bananas, but the plan doesn't work because the banana guy notices right away and starts to describe all the ways he could tell that the bananas were not his (for instance, number of brown spots). Also, the impostor bananas have drugs in them.

In another part of the dream, I'm visiting London for the first time, and I'm trying to order a seitan sandwich with peppers, but it arrives without peppers. They tell me they ran out, so they gave me a sandwich with fishwater instead, which is apparently water from the river Thames, and is considered a delicacy.

I'm pretty sure this is not in our family history at all

After looking at an incredibly large family group picture, I start wondering about my family's history. In a flashback, I become one of my ancestors, a teenager during World War I who is constantly at odds with his grandfather. He doesn't want to join the war. His grandfather is constantly pointing a shotgun at him and making him go through various obstacles. When he tries to defend himself with one of two rifles he's carrying, he can't seem to work either. Also, everything's all grainy like an old movie.

(At this point, I will refer to my ancestor in first person.)

At one point, this conversation happens.

Me: We should remake this in a few years, where I'm playing a shooting gallery game, and it takes place during the war with Iraq. The first one, though, the one in...
Grandfather: Kuwait?
Me: Yeah, Kuwait.
Grandfather: Wait a minute. How do you know there's going to be shooting gallery games?

I realize I've made a mistake and start panicking. I grab the camera that's been filming this scene and cut out the section of film that contains the previous exchange. Then I summon some character named "Skokie" and tell him to "lose this scene." He disappears with the footage, which becomes the mythical "lost scene" from the movie.

Rinzone

I got a call from someone I don't know named Rinzone. Somehow, it is a video call, and I can see this guy on my phone. He's a frat-looking dude with a white backwards baseball cap. I am annoyed, and unsure whether or not he can see me too. I hit "cancel" a bunch of times to end the call, but then I see that he's been automatically added to my contacts list.

White Light, White Heat, White Bread

From LJ 3/5/02, edited and reformatted.

For some reason, the Velvet Underground reunited (lineup unknown) solely to play a gig at my old elementary school. I left my high school to go see them. Then I realized I forgot to tell the high school people that I was leaving, so I told the elementary school principal, who happened to be my father, to tell them that I left. It turned out that I had missed the band. Also, everyone was boycotting sandwiches. I had pizza. Then I saw some other people from high school. I think I woke up when the sandwich boycotters were rushing the stage.

NOTE: I believe this is the first recorded dream in which I have returned to high school. It hadn't even been a year since I graduated.

Japan, a Bake-Off, and the Quiet Room

This dream, posted to LiveJournal on 3/16/05, is incredibly long. I cleaned up some of the text and divided it into three acts.

As usual, I don't remember a lot of it well. Here are some fleeting details I remember:
--A lot of the beginning took place in Japan.
--I think Rachel was there. More of my friends were probably there.
--I think there were complicated portions about buying drinks.
--I also believe I bought a bunch of CDs at some sort of Japanese clearance bin. The only one I remember was outtakes by the Jam.
--I also had a Nintendo DS, and I was playing some sort of version of WarioWare*, but all the games involved popular superheroes.
--I think there may have been a whole plot involving an '80s rock band, a shady rehearsal space, and violent police activity, but as I said, my memory of all this is fleeting at best.
--At some point, though, I was in a run-down parking deck running into various old friends, talking to them about college and the future.
--I think there was also a plot about working in a movie theater with Kelso from That '70s Show. (I think by this I mean the actual character of Kelso and not Ashton Kutcher.)

---

This is the part of the dream that I remember more clearly, though.

--Apparently, we lived in a really huge, sterile, hospital-like house with aluminum walls. They locked me in my room because either I was a menace or they wanted me to concentrate. It worked for a while, but there was a computer lab with all sorts of new technological things. I played around with something yellow and I flipped out and went elsewhere in the house.

--Poppy (my grandfather) was trying to win a baking contest. He was up against his arch-nemesis (some real asshole) and a celebrity chef (who was apparently not competing, he was sorta like the control in an experiment). The judges were celebrities, as well. I remember Poppy cooked some sort of dessert (some type of chocolatey cheesecakey deal) and some kind of seafood (lobster or scallops, maybe). No one got around to eating the seafood and everyone was in the judging room. We concluded that as his rival was nowhere to be found, he was influencing the judges. I don't think anyone was around.

--At around this point, I saw a complicated photocollage that one of my relatives did. It had a little booklet to explain it.

--Judging time ran out and no one was around. The judging room we were all waiting around was the laundry room, but I clearly remembered that the judging room was in the bathroom. I wandered around and the real baking contest; the one Poppy entered was a fake! But then, the fake contestants and judges confronted the real ones, and the man who put on the contest got nervous. (Apparently he put on the fake one to keep them from entering the real one.) All descended into chaos. And apparently I was making a film about it, because then I was visited by the real version of the fake professor from whom I borrowed equipment. Uh-oh.

--Then I went outside. That's all I remember about that part.

---

--Then Mom brought me back to the house, and I saw all the chaos that was going on before. I didn't get to see it up close, though: she took me straight to my room (from before), which was actually called the Quiet Room (so named because when you're in it, you can't see or hear anything going on in the outside world). But it wasn't just my room, there were other people there. I figured, I'll show them. I won't screw up this time. I won't play with anything yellow that might make me flip out. And for a while, I was actually focused. Then I got on a computer and logged on AIM, but only for a second, because I wasn't supposed to. I got a video message from my father, Bob Odenkirk. The last thing I remember was that I could call up outtakes from the video message, which all involved him messing up and swearing.

As I said, I may be completely wrong about a lot of this, but there it is.

I don't remember why, exactly, they kept me in the Quiet Room, or what I did right when I left. The second time around, it was so I wouldn't get distracted by anything, but the first time there was a specific purpose.

Maybe I'll remember later.

N.B.: I didn't.


*WarioWare: a series of video games in which you must play a series of really short games (generally lasting for eight beats of music), typically with one word of instruction.

In which I accidentally join the Army

(From LiveJournal, dated June 28, 2005.)


I was on a bus that was headed toward an Army recruitment base. I didn't intend to join. I was there for some other reason, moral support or something, or maybe it was just a mistake. In any case, I wound up joining against my will.

I forget the next part.

In any case, the next part was some sort of thing to get familiar with the Army, but it was more like a business fair with guys in suits. And it was held in a school cafeteria. And some sort of child band was playing at it. I decided this was my chance to escape. I tried three doors. The first was the men's room. The second was the ladies' room. The third had some sort of ominous "you can leave any time you want" sign on it. I went through the door, preparing for whatever fate was going to befall me.

Then some guy poked me really hard in the stomach with a broom handle.

After escaping him, I saw a wall with a bunch of British newspapers from the future: they printed them up and kept them around for when the events in question would happen. There were four I paid special attention to. One was the beginning of war. One was a report on rock stars joining the armed forces, like Elvis in his day, but the only one I remembered was the Killers. One was the beginning of the draft. The last one, for no apparent reason, was the Manic Street Preachers talking about movies, dressed as movie characters (one was dressed as Spongebob).

So I escaped in full uniform, stepping over some sort of fancy water fixture, looking for a telephone to call my parents. As I was walking, I saw another recruitment bus. Someone got out and recognized that I was a deserter.

I don't remember what he did to me. Perhaps it's for the best.

Dreams from this weekend

Conversation with Matthew Fox

My parents and I have somehow found ourselves in the presence of Matthew Fox (Jack from "Lost"). We're in some sort of antiques shop and the store is empty apart from us, which allows us to have a lengthy conversation. My parents, my mom especially, have a lot of questions for Matthew and he answers them as if they've had many conversations before. When I finally get a chance to ask him some questions, I ask about the upcoming "Lost" comic books (which don't actually exist), one of which apparently concerns Mr. Eko's ghost. "So are they just focusing on the comics for now?" I ask. "Is there any chance of something live action?"

High School Reunion

Amy and I are at my (upcoming, in real life) 10-year high school reunion. Unfortunately, as part of the reunion they are making us all work on big school projects. We're divided into groups by table, and Amy and I somehow get put into separate groups. My group's project is to present a report on the whole of human history. The table is covered with papers and notes. However, since we have apparently arrived late, I offer to work on the conclusion. "I'm good at summarizing things poetically," I say.

Later I have to go to the bathroom. I recall that the entertainment for the reunion is going to be Whoopi Goldberg, singing, backed by the band Cake. The guitarist for Cake happens to be using the bathroom at the same time as me. However, the time has come for the music to start, so he has to play his guitar from the bathroom, which is somehow beamed to the room (overlooking the dining hall) where the rest of the band is playing. (I think they open with "We Are The Champions".)

After the first song, backstage guys arrive to whisk the guitarist to his proper location. For some reason, I follow. I do not recall anything further.

Terrorist Ferry Dock Cornering

Amy and myself and my parents are riding a bus in Chicago. We are riding along a river, and we need to get off the bus and take a ferry to the other side. While this is apparently a trip we take often, we have missed our usual stop and have to get off at an unfamiliar one. While we exit the bus, a taped recording warns, "CAUTION: THIS IS A BAD AREA."

Amy and I are walking towards the ferry dock, while my parents do the same on the other side of the road. I see a bicyclist ride up to them and pull out a gun. Thinking that they're getting mugged, I panic and try to get around the corner to the ferry dock before the mugger notices me too. Unfortunately, when I get in line for the ferry, about four more gunmen appear and make it clear that they are holding all of us hostage. There are something like 20 civilians waiting for the ferry in addition to Amy, myself and my parents (who have been herded to the same location).

Fearfully, I recall a film about this group of terrorists that mentioned that they will execute their prisoners on a whim. Then, a speedboat appears on the water, heading straight for us (we are lined up on a pier). I'm not sure if the speedboat means rescue or danger, until it comes within range and opens fire on the crowd with machine guns. Panicking, I dive into the water, not sure if I've been hit. I woke up at this point, legitimately disturbed.

Millions of Bees Fan

In a parking lot for some sort of outdoor concert, I notice a car with a large magnet sticker on its front bumper (the kind that would typically say "Student Driver".) This one, however, is bright yellow and says "Millions of Bees." I also see that the owner of the car has several large plush bumblebees hanging from their rear-view mirror.

When the girl owning the car arrives, I strike up a conversation with her and confirm that she is a fan of the old webcomic ("Millions of Bees") that I used to draw. "I thought maybe it was the name of a band," I say. We proceed to have a mundane conversation in which I tell her that I just saw Stephen Swift (my co-author) recently, that no, I am not still in college, and that I "do websites for newspapers."

Haunted House / KT in a Trance

I am going through some sort of novelty haunted house establishment, and nearing the end. The owner, as part of the act, is supposed to threaten me with a saw (much like Dan's singing saw that he got for Christmas). In the course of threatening me, he accidentally cuts my hand with the saw, and I demand my money back. At the register, the owner gives me a band-aid and a coupon.

KT, Caitlin, Dan, April, Amy and I leave the establishment together and walk out to the parking lot (this is a strip mall sort of situation). KT has not been feeling well and so his mother appears and takes him to her car, where she helps him get into his seat and then walks off. The rest of us are watching this from afar.

KT sits slumped in the passenger seat, looking into the distance with a dead stare. We start to worry that he is, in fact, dead. So we hurry over to the car and get into the back seat. Caitlin shakes KT's shoulder and discovers to our relief that he is alive. It turns out that KT's mom is sitting in another car across from the one we're in, and she is staring at KT in a similarly dead manner. "We're communing," KT says, and this is apparently something that makes KT feel better.

SNL Christmas Special

I was a cast member of Saturday Night Live, and we were putting on a Christmas show at the Flying Squirrel Community Space in Rochester. First, there was a long, complicated song. There were so many performers that we spanned multiple rooms. Everyone had a small part in it, similar to "We Are the World" or one of those other big charity singles. I wish I could remember the song, all I know is that it was really catchy and goofy.

There was another song next, which went into this bit featuring my grandma and Kermit the Frog. My grandma didn't like working with the Muppets, and kept revealing the artifice of the Muppets (i.e., that they are puppets operated by humans) out loud, to my dismay.

Next up was a skit that I was in. The premise was that I was grizzled old sea captain trying unsuccessfully to woo a fair young maiden sometime in the 1800s. I had no costume and no lines; I just had to make everything up on the spot. I kept my face all scrunched up in order to appear old, and I walked with a stiff, uncomfortable gait. The fair maiden was very reticent, and so I had to do a lot of the speaking, but I didn't know what to say. Suddenly, her husband comes onstage. Weirdly, he is also played by me, or at least someone who looks exactly like me. My doppelganger had long straight hair, a mustache, and was costumed in an old-fashioned nightgown with a sleeping cap. He reveals what turns out to be the crux of the skit: the maiden is only attracted to people who are dirty. In order to impress her, I have to make myself filthy by dumping plates of food over myself. I grab a bowl of what looked like spaghetti, shredded carrots, and glitter. I pretend as if I'm going to dump the bowl over my head, but instead I hurl it behind me into the audience. Naturally, this erupts into a mass food fight.

The room is in chaos. I hide in a doorway and flick a blob of mustard at some people on the outskirts of the room, who appear to be avoiding the food fight by flattening themselves along a wall. The blob of mustard hits Amy, who is wearing fancy "interview clothes." I feel bad for ruining her shirt. Then I grab a big ball of green cookie dough and throw it at Ted. The dough is surprisingly heavy and I can barely throw it. It misses Ted, and he retaliates with another ball of dough, which I avoid. We're both about to throw second volley when the my alarm goes off and the dream ends.

Donut Fish

The donut fish -- Side view

First of all, it wasn't really a fish. It was a reptilian green, and had legs like a turtle or an alligator. It was the size and shape on an inner tube. John Cleese, standing waist-deep in the ocean, had just pulled it out of the water and was holding a microphone up to its large mouth. I was a few feet away, filming the pair. Before the donut fish could utter a word, however, it died. Just like that, it was dead, seconds after showing its head above the water. We poked and prodded it, but sure enough, it was stone dead.

Top view

The film could not be completed, so we left the water. Apparently we had been making a documentary about this endangered animal, and we now needed to find out why it died. So we lugged the beast to a fish expert. While examining the fish, it suddenly sprung back to life. It was smiling and apparently quite pleased with itself for its little trick.

John Cleese