Imaginary Criterion Edition

For some reason, I let Michael (my brother) take me on a drive. He winds up taking a wrong turn and driving into a river. By this, I mean driving on a river. I beg him to turn back, and he tries, but he just winds up skidding out of control. I see a huge ship, and before I know it, the car is both underwater and under the ship. I brace myself for death as the horrible sound of a ship eating a car surrounds us.

This turns out to be a dream within a dream. When I wake up from the secondary layer, I make a note to write a surf-rock song about my dream, making the horrible metal-crunching sounds with my mouth (I guess this is a reference to "Dead Man's Curve" by Jan and Dean).

(Don't remember what happens here.)

I wind up in a town that looks exactly like my hometown of Womelsdorf, but everything is wrong. There is a building that looks exactly like our local Christmas Barn (a seasonal store), but it's something else. For some reason, Mom takes me to two religious schools. One is having a terrible craft show. At another, a preacher is giving a lecture about security. I play around with a fountain pen. Just like in real life, I have no idea how to use it.

Everyone winds up in a creepy, mostly-abandoned mall. I remember two things about it. There was a labyrinthine Giant (grocery store) which was small but had five floors, but the floor was made mostly of shopping carts, and it was difficult to get in because a lot of climbing was involved, and you had to be let out by a guard who threw you into a giant shopping cart full of groceries. Also, at the very end, there was a VHS vending machine (similar to the Redbox DVD rental kiosks). The only tape I remember was of a comedian giving instructions on how to use computer graphics in video greeting cards (the entire instructions consisted of pointing a camera at a video game).

Then I'm in a library. I find a forgotten corner that has old VHS tapes in bags. One of them is called "SCREW THE LIFE OF PETER SELLERS." I recognize this as a typo; the real title is "Screw: The Life of Peter Sellers." (This film does not exist.) I immediately envision a possible Criterion Collection cover: a picture of a small Sellers dancing on top of a giant screw. Oh, also, you could print pictures from old filmstrips, but it cost $129.99 to do so, plus an extra $2.99 to log off.