SNL Christmas Special

I was a cast member of Saturday Night Live, and we were putting on a Christmas show at the Flying Squirrel Community Space in Rochester. First, there was a long, complicated song. There were so many performers that we spanned multiple rooms. Everyone had a small part in it, similar to "We Are the World" or one of those other big charity singles. I wish I could remember the song, all I know is that it was really catchy and goofy.

There was another song next, which went into this bit featuring my grandma and Kermit the Frog. My grandma didn't like working with the Muppets, and kept revealing the artifice of the Muppets (i.e., that they are puppets operated by humans) out loud, to my dismay.

Next up was a skit that I was in. The premise was that I was grizzled old sea captain trying unsuccessfully to woo a fair young maiden sometime in the 1800s. I had no costume and no lines; I just had to make everything up on the spot. I kept my face all scrunched up in order to appear old, and I walked with a stiff, uncomfortable gait. The fair maiden was very reticent, and so I had to do a lot of the speaking, but I didn't know what to say. Suddenly, her husband comes onstage. Weirdly, he is also played by me, or at least someone who looks exactly like me. My doppelganger had long straight hair, a mustache, and was costumed in an old-fashioned nightgown with a sleeping cap. He reveals what turns out to be the crux of the skit: the maiden is only attracted to people who are dirty. In order to impress her, I have to make myself filthy by dumping plates of food over myself. I grab a bowl of what looked like spaghetti, shredded carrots, and glitter. I pretend as if I'm going to dump the bowl over my head, but instead I hurl it behind me into the audience. Naturally, this erupts into a mass food fight.

The room is in chaos. I hide in a doorway and flick a blob of mustard at some people on the outskirts of the room, who appear to be avoiding the food fight by flattening themselves along a wall. The blob of mustard hits Amy, who is wearing fancy "interview clothes." I feel bad for ruining her shirt. Then I grab a big ball of green cookie dough and throw it at Ted. The dough is surprisingly heavy and I can barely throw it. It misses Ted, and he retaliates with another ball of dough, which I avoid. We're both about to throw second volley when the my alarm goes off and the dream ends.