In which I accidentally join the Army

(From LiveJournal, dated June 28, 2005.)


I was on a bus that was headed toward an Army recruitment base. I didn't intend to join. I was there for some other reason, moral support or something, or maybe it was just a mistake. In any case, I wound up joining against my will.

I forget the next part.

In any case, the next part was some sort of thing to get familiar with the Army, but it was more like a business fair with guys in suits. And it was held in a school cafeteria. And some sort of child band was playing at it. I decided this was my chance to escape. I tried three doors. The first was the men's room. The second was the ladies' room. The third had some sort of ominous "you can leave any time you want" sign on it. I went through the door, preparing for whatever fate was going to befall me.

Then some guy poked me really hard in the stomach with a broom handle.

After escaping him, I saw a wall with a bunch of British newspapers from the future: they printed them up and kept them around for when the events in question would happen. There were four I paid special attention to. One was the beginning of war. One was a report on rock stars joining the armed forces, like Elvis in his day, but the only one I remembered was the Killers. One was the beginning of the draft. The last one, for no apparent reason, was the Manic Street Preachers talking about movies, dressed as movie characters (one was dressed as Spongebob).

So I escaped in full uniform, stepping over some sort of fancy water fixture, looking for a telephone to call my parents. As I was walking, I saw another recruitment bus. Someone got out and recognized that I was a deserter.

I don't remember what he did to me. Perhaps it's for the best.